talking ... Today I need to talk. Long, too long, I did not agree to talk. When events arrive, several told me to speak, so he had it, that it was going to do me good ... maybe yes, but at this moment, no words came out, it was too painful, I was just not capable. Then time passed, so I said why talk about it now and reopen the wound ... but I was wrong, this injury has never been closed, I had just ignored. It is always a red as vivid, and even now infect, I'm sure.
Why I mention all this today? Just because a terrible event just happened and it makes me relive my ordeal I had tried to camouflage. (
http://www.theglobeandmail.com/news/national/adoption-agencys-bankruptcy-devastates-families/article1217223/ ) Before continuing, I want to tell people who are affected by this tragedy that I'm any heart with you, I understand your confusion and I hope someone will find a solution to help you.
My story is not quite like these people. I have not been faced with an agency that went bankrupt. Yes, our agency has closed its doors a few months after we withdrew my application. We withdrew our record because I had guessed that our agency go out of business ... and not because we were tired of waiting or we had changed his mind in relation to adoption.
Even today, I want more than anything my little angel of Ukraine even though I know this is possible. It still hurts because they took away my biggest dream. I had invested everything in this dream my whole life ... and yes, all my savings and even more so. So now in addition to never being able to have my little angel, I have a sub ... and each time I make a payment to the Bank, it hurts.
Inside, I'm so angry that I do not know how to describe it. Yes, I am angry against the agency that has not kept his word. One point I was even angry against myself I got hooked to the game ... but hey, I could not know. I did everything I could to whether the agency was correct. I found people who had adopted them (not names that the agency had given me, people I've found myself) and they only had good words. Each day, I wanted to know what was happening in Ukraine with my agency and everything. Therefore, I realized that it was not going well with my agency in March 2008. I'm still remained until August 2008 because I thought maybe I was wrong and that my information is false. I just did more research ... to finally understand that it was not going at all with the agency. As soon as I was about 100%, we pulled our file. I was afraid of being wrong yes, but on the other hand, I was sure it was the right thing to do despite the pain it caused me. Now that knows the end of the story, I was right.
There is also a lot of trouble, even though now I know it was the right thing to do. I lost my baby, my little angel. That I do not accept it at all yet. Just thinking about it, I come to tears and I am no longer able to speak.
same time we stopped our efforts with Ukraine, we began the steps here in New Brunswick. It was probably not a good idea, but it took me another dream, something to cling to continue living. I realize now this treasure, I've never wanted. For now, I do not know what will happen with him. Just me, I remove my name from it, except that in 5 years, I might regret it. Then as the adoption takes years here, we will let our name yet again. By cons, we do not fight, we do not seek information or anything. It simply leaves the matter where it is. If it advances, okay but if not, that's okay too. If tomorrow, in a few months or years, you get a phone saying they have a child for us, we will consider the issue at that time only. In the meantime, I do not even want to think. I want us to take the time to live simply. We have several projects in air travel then I want us to concentrate on.
I chose to write here because I do not really know who to talk of it. My poor friends, they have already heard so much about that I do not yet achaler with it after almost a year. I frequent forums for adoption but then, when I mentioned it, several had not been kind to me so I do not want to risk again experience. In talking with people who know zero on adoption, they are nice but must spend his time explaining how adoption works, it gets complicated ... so I think the best place to clear my heart was here.
Thanks to those who read me and always bear in there, you are very precious to me.
